Nightline
by Meekychunky
Summary: Seifer takes a turn at a helpline...


Disclaimer~I do not own Seifer or the other Squaresoft characters, I don't own the idea of nightline either, it's just a service provided by the illustrious Staffordshire University *gag* (Sorry I spend far to much time there to fool myself that it's great in any way shape or form.) The idea for this story came when the nightline volunteers came by me looking for coffee ^_^ (actually they were handing out flyers... but my version's more fun) 

Seifer sighed as he looked up at the clock, nearly two in the morning, he was supposed to go off shift in another three hours, he wondered if he could last that long. Hardly anybody called the nightline office, it was there to provide information and an ear to listen if someone needed it. For Seifer it was a lazy way to look good... if people knew you did charity work then you're more likely to be held in high reguard. Nobody had ever called him on his watch... so he generally either caught up on work or slept. Seifer leaned his head on his arms and began to doze off. 

_*Ring, ring. Ring, ring.* _He looked up in bewilderment... what was that noise? He stared at the phone... crikey... it was a first. 

'Hello? Erm... this is nightline? Why are you calling?' He asked. A shakey voice on the other end answered him. 

'Hi... erm, I don't have to give you my name do I?' He asked, Seifer recognised the voice and grinned evilly. 

'No... no... not at all.' He said and the voice on the other end sighed in relief. 

'Well you see... I kind of have a problem and I like... saw your number on the cafeteria door.' Seifer made a non sound in reponse. 'Well... I need to know... well the cafeteria's closed and I need some food...' Seifer grinned. 

'Any particular kind of food?' He asked and began drawing a chicken on the notepad in front of him. 

'Hotdogs preferably...' Seifer sighed. 

'I see, you're one of those are you? We get a lot of cases like you.' He heard the intake of breath on the other end and tried not to laugh. 

'Cases like me?' 

'You know...' He whispered the next word. '_Addicts._' 

'I'm not an addict.' The voice on the other end of the phone said shakily. 'Am I?' 

'Oh I'm afraid you are... you really like hotdogs don't you? Eat them nearly every day?' The voice answered yes. 'Well, you need to be cured of this addiction, you need to stop eating them... go cold turkey.' Seifer bit his lip to keep from laughing. 

'You know I really don't think it's an addiction.... I just like them.' 

'Yes, but how long before you develop an addictive personality? Could you deal with standing up and admittting you are a hotdogaholic? You need to stop this before it goes anywhere serious...' 

'Okay... If you're sure... Are you sure?' He asked and Seifer nodded. 'Okay man... good advice... Bye.' The phone clicked down and Seifer roared with laughter. He laughed so hard that he didn't hear the second phone call for a while. 

'Hello nightline, how may I abuse you?' He asked. 

'What?' 

'Sorry, help you... how may I help you.' The voice coughed and sounded uncomfortable. 

'Erm, well I have this problem... at least I think it's a problem... I think... I think. I don't quite know how to say this...' 

'Please, I'm here to listen and to... help' He crossed his fingers and uttered the last word. 

'Well, it's my girlfriend... she's kind of hyper. And lately, I've kind of been not wanting to hang around her...' Seifer smiled... oh a perfect oppertunity. 

'Is it possible... and don't get me wrong... is it possible that you... erm... prefer the company of other men?' He said slyly. 

'What do you mean... no I'm not gay... I 'm not. I like women too much for that...' The voice had a hint of certainty to it. 

'You know, some of the better known homosexuals were inveterate womanisers. They try and hide their feelings towards men by being overly friendly towards women.' The other end of the line was quiet. 'I think you should go away and explore your feelings... you obviously don't respect this girl enough if you can keep her hanging on waiting for you. She deserves to be set free.' The voice on the other end was unsure but Seifer ended up convincing him of the right course of action. When he eventually hung up he sat back on his chair with a satisfied grin on his face... it was true what they said all the freaks came out at night. 

The next call was far easier, it was a voice he didn't recognise, just a woman asking if she should ask out this boy she liked. He had told her to go for it, after all he wasn't an utter bastard, the worst he could do was say no. It was the next call that made his eyes light up in sneery delight. 

'Yeah... Hi... It's just, that I'm having trouble communicating with people. Even my girlfriend. She is into this whole sharing business and I want to, it's just that, it's really hard. She doesn't really get it.' Seifer nodded with a grin, he tried to keep the smile off his face. 

'It sounds like she doesn't understand you at all.' He told him, when he started to object Seifer butted in. 'No, be honest with yourself, she doesn't understand why you are the way you are... Does she.' 

'No not really, that doesn't mean that...' 

'It doesn't mean that she doesn't love you, it's just that she finds it impossible to relate to you, and who needs a relationship that has no relation in it?' He grinned at his words... posible award winning ones he thought to himself. 'Are you sure you want to be with someone that isn't even trying to be with you in a way that you need it.' 

'Well I guess that sounds plausible.' The voice said. 'I'll think on it.' 

'Okay, as long as you realise that you can be in charge of your life, you don't need some mealy mouthed bitch who doesn't understand you trying to run your life.' He nodded as he hung up, keeping his giggles in until he couldn't hold it any longer, he laughed all the way off his shift at five am and into his room. Where he promtly fell asleep after a full days scheming. 

* 

Seifer's face cracked in a yawn as he got up at two in the afternoon. He dressed quickly and trotted off to Zell's room, he poked his head into the chicken wusses door. He didn't recognise him at first but he was sitting cross legged in the middle of his bed rocking back and forth, Seifer didn't say anything, merely leaving to go to the forecourt, waiting for the fireworks... he didn't have to wait long. It was Rinoa and Squall that first came by, Rinoa screaming at him at the top of her lungs and Squall trying to walk away. 

'You _can't_ break up with me... you're my knight.' She shreiked. 

'Whatever... find yourself a new one, you don't control my life.' He said shaking his head, he walked away. 

'Squall... _Squall_... If you don't come here, I'll blot out the stars! I'll destroy the universe!' She shreiked and ran after him, only to be tripped by a flying Irvine, who succeeded in knocking her out. He turned, the fear in his eyes palpable. It was Selphie he had been running from, she stalked across the quad swinging her shinobu. 

'I thought you'd understand..' He yelled at her. 

'I understand how you led me on... you leader on-er.' She snapped. 'And all the time you were wondering what Squall looked like naked.' She hit him and he fell into a pile on the floor. 

Quistis came and sat next to him. 'It's crazy round here today.' She observed to him. He nodded slyly. 'Can I ask you something?' She asked. 

'Sure... what?' 

'Would you like to go to dinner... or the movies or something?' She asked him... he glanced at her thinking back to the other night. 

'Sure....' Well nightline did have some uses. 

Author's note~ I know it's dead cheesy but I enjoyed it... anyway... hope it made you laugh a little. 


End file.
